Depression.

When I was 16 I was a very angry little girl, I would get mad at anything and everything. If a door hit me, I would just want to punch anything I saw and scream at the top of my lungs, a lot of times when I was angry I would punch my legs very, very hard. There is a youtube video called World's Greatest Freak Out and a lot of people think it's fake, but I can personally tell you, that I've been through that, and it's very real (although I never stuck a remote up my butt). Luckily though, I never seriously harmed myself. After talking to my doctor and telling her I felt depressed and angry all the time, she put me on a medicine called Welbutrin. I took it for about 2 years before realizing it didn't really even do anything, so I decided to stop taking it. Some weird events happened with my health and I went to another doctor who put me on a medicine called Paxil, it was supposed to help with depression and anxiety. Holy crap, this medicine worked like a freaking dream at the time. I never really got angry like I used to, not realizing it was because I wasn't really feeling anything.

Tim and I got married while I was still on this medicine, and one night we started to discuss depression. Tim has been through a lot and has over come many things. When Tim puts his mind to something he does it. I have never in my life met someone, who could will the power to do this, like Tim. If he wants to change something about his life for the better, he is going to do it and not let anything stop him. While we were discussing, Tim told me he didn't think I needed the medicine and would fully support me if I decided to try and get off of it. There were a couple of reasons I didn't want to be on it at this point. First of all it made me very tired. Also, I didn't want to be on anti-depressents whenever we did get pregnant.  I wanted it to be far out of my system. Together we decided it was time for me to try and go without these wonderful happy pills.

Paxil has one of the worse withdraws as an anti-depressent.  And at that age, me  feeling invincible as I did, I did it cold turkey. That was a very horrible idea. I felt more depressed than I ever have. While the Paxil was numbing my depression, it also numbed my happiness. So now when I felt happy, I felt happier than before because it wasn't being numbed. I was so unbelievably moody though, and I would cry at the drop of a pin. A little bit later I became pregnant, not realizing of course for the first two months. You guys, Tim was living with a pregnant women who was going to horrible depression meds withdrawl . I guarantee he's one of the strongest men you know, it wasn't easy. I can't even explain to you how mentally agonizing this time of my life was, depression sucks. I remember when I was about 2.5 months pregnant I had a huge fit about how my pants won't ever fit me ever again and how I was going to be fat for the rest of my life. I was crying so hard. (I'm so sorry you went through all of this Tim, you are my bestest friend). Looking back now I laugh so hard at how over dramatic I was being.

After the miscarriage Tim and I were both depressed. I was talking to God a lot at this point, and although I did feel a state of comfort, I still was depressed. I remember one night, when I told Tim that if we stayed in Tucson I wanted to kill myself. Living in Tucson and thinking about Tucson angered me more than anything. We of course had no choice to move at this point, but I wanted there to be a choice. Tim was rightfully angry at me for saying that, and reminded me that there are about a billion people worse off than me. Depression makes no sense. It makes you irrational about the stupidest things and makes you angry at nothing. After talking I was still absolutely angry inside but Tim had some very valid points, so I tried to calm down about the whole Tucson thing. I was trying to keep my life in perspective. After a couple more weeks I went back to the doctor to get Paxil again because I felt like a prisoner in my own brain. I got the medicine from him, but didn't immediately start taking it. I think I just wanted to know that safety blanket was there.

One night Tim and I went to Barnes and Nobles and I found a book called "Jesus Calling: 365 devotions for kids", I read one page and I knew I needed it. Day to day it's written like God is talking to you. I fell in love with the kids version because it was so real. It didn't try and use all of those big fancy ol'timey words. After a couple of weeks I honestly started feeling so much better. I felt like the reigns that depression had on my brain were slowly getting looser. Tim and I were going through a lot of financial and car issues at this time too, and everyday I would read this book and realize I am not in control. God is absolutely in control. I started focusing on the fact that life may be hard, but I don't need to worry because God is helping me through every step. 

My depression was gone. (I still have anger, but not to the caliber as before.) I wish I could explain the sense of peace that falls over you when you let God take complete control. I had some serious depression, I told my husband I was going to kill myself because of the city we lived in, and months later I was singing praises to God no matter what was thrown at me. I don't want to say "it's as easy as that"...but it kind of is. It takes a lot of will to let go of control, it takes a lot of will to want to get rid of your depression. Depression is addicting, in some sick way it does give you a weird high, so you have to really want to get rid of it.
Friends, if you are struggling with depression, Jesus is out there, waiting to free you. I am happier today than I have ever been in my whole life. Jesus was waiting there for me with open arms; I can imagine the smile on His face when I finally realized what life was really about. Everyone's story is different, but it is that easy to free yourself, He can do anything. I could never thank God enough for giving me Tim to go through this with. He stood by me this whole time and never once gave up on me, his love was unconditional for me. I know for a fact God was definitly comforting him and giving him strength to deal with me.

Beginning.

I suppose I could start off this blog by telling you all how Tim and I came about being a couple!
It all started at a youth event called "The Place" at Casas Church; it was an event where youth groups from all around Tucson could come and hang out. We were 12 at the time, so we just entered middle school. I was there with my two best friends Areanna, and Alicia. That week in school a teacher asked us "If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?", and for some reason we thought that was an awesome question. Well, us girls were roaming the place for some people to ask that stupid, stupid question to. We saw three boys hanging out so we went up and asked them this question (which they still have yet to answer). After talking for a while we invited Tim, Zach, and Trevor to our youth group. For some weird reason we gave the boys fake names and they all thought my name was Riley for a good amount of time. I mean, it was so convincing the first Christmas present Tim ever bought me said "To: Riley", I still laugh so hard about that. Anyways, as you can see, I eventually fessed up and gave him my real name.

So two years go by of us going to the same youth group and Tim and I obviously liked each other. Here's something funny; Tim "dated" Alicia, and I can perfectly remember him asking her out, but I can't remember him asking ME out when we were 14. What I do remember is us breaking up. We were dating for a couple of weeks and Tim said "I love you". I thought "EXCUSE ME, WE ARE 14, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS." I wanted to break up with him for being too "immature" not realizing how immature I was being going around flirting with other boys still. I can still remember where we were standing and what was happening when we broke up, it's so hilarious now. He knew it was coming so he was avoiding eye contact with me the whole night.

When we were 15, Tim has a New Years Eve party and I sooo badly wanted him to kiss me that night. And he might have if I didn't spend the whole night at the toilet with food poisoning. Later I found out another girl had kissed him and booooyyyy was I peeved. Once Tim and I could drive we would hang out sometimes and go to ihop, and I was always wishing at the end of the night he would kiss me. The funny thing is, even when we were 16 I wouldn't get to physically affectionate with him because I was prepping just incase he was going to be my husband, and I didn't want things to move too fast. So that probably explains why he never kissed me, I never really gave out the physical vibe. Some time went by and Tim and I got kind of distant, but  I would still invite him to all my school plays and youth group events. (I just talked to Tim and he said during this whole story he was still trying to date me, apparently I wasn't getting it.)

When we were about 17 and 18 we started hanging out again, yay! We would get ice cream, or we would go hang out on the trampoline in my backyard, or go to ihop like we used to, but I would never let him call it a date, it was just two friends hanging out. One night he looked at me and told me he wanted to start dating me officially. Back then I was way too flirtatious to be held down, and I told him I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. A little while later, he had a girlfriend. I was really...sad and pissed at myself for saying that I wasn't ready. But in all honesty, I really wasn't ready and it would have probably ended up really bad if we had seriously started dating then. Tim and his girlfriend had been dating for about 10 months when I was blow drying my hair one day and I so clearly heard God tell me I was going to marry Tim Brecht. I turned off my hair dryer and just sat there like..."Umm...God, he's in a 'serious' relationship...and WHAT TIM BRECHT??" So I talked to my family about it and I just waited. I knew for a fact I was going to marry him, but I didn't interfere with their relationship because I knew God had it under control and I just needed to be patient. Finally I saw the Facebook post I had been waiting 7 months to see "Tim Brecht is now single." I didn't want to look desperate of course, so I waited to make contact. Tim's birthday rolled around and I was going up to Phoenix with a few friends to see From Indian Lakes, so I texted him and asked if he wanted to come. I remember sitting in Casas and seeing that he texted me back saying he was going to come. I for reals did not expect him to say yes haha. Well, that night we went to the show and he drove me home and that was the first night we really hugged...like...an awesome really great hug. It doesn't seem like a lot, but it meant a lot to us. Well, ever since March 13, 2011 we were inseparable! Officially became boyfriend and girlfriend April 24, 2011, got engaged Sept 24, 2011, and got married March 24, 2012. It moved fast, but come on, it was a long journey. So there you go, that's the story of me and Tim, maybe it explains some stuff ;)