Tuesday, January 21, 2014


When I was 16 I was a very angry little girl, I would get mad at anything and everything. If a door hit me, I would just want to punch anything I saw and scream at the top of my lungs, a lot of times when I was angry I would punch my legs very, very hard. There is a youtube video called World's Greatest Freak Out and a lot of people think it's fake, but I can personally tell you, that I've been through that, and it's very real (although I never stuck a remote up my butt). Luckily though, I never seriously harmed myself. After talking to my doctor and telling her I felt depressed and angry all the time, she put me on a medicine called Welbutrin. I took it for about 2 years before realizing it didn't really even do anything, so I decided to stop taking it. Some weird events happened with my health and I went to another doctor who put me on a medicine called Paxil, it was supposed to help with depression and anxiety. Holy crap, this medicine worked like a freaking dream at the time. I never really got angry like I used to, not realizing it was because I wasn't really feeling anything.
Tim and I got married while I was still on this medicine, and one night we started to discuss depression. Tim has been through a lot and has over come many things. When Tim puts his mind to something he does it. I have never in my life met someone, who could will the power to do this, like Tim. If he wants to change something about his life for the better, he is going to do it and not let anything stop him. While we were discussing, Tim told me he didn't think I needed the medicine and would fully support me if I decided to try and get off of it. There were a couple of reasons I didn't want to be on it at this point. First of all it made me very tired. Also, I didn't want to be on anti-depressents whenever we did get pregnant.  I wanted it to be far out of my system. Together we decided it was time for me to try and go without these wonderful happy pills.
Paxil has one of the worse withdraws as an anti-depressent.  And at that age, me  feeling invincible as I did, I did it cold turkey. That was a very horrible idea. I felt more depressed than I ever have. While the Paxil was numbing my depression, it also numbed my happiness. So now when I felt happy, I felt happier than before because it wasn't being numbed. I was so unbelievably moody though, and I would cry at the drop of a pin. A little bit later I became pregnant, not realizing of course for the first two months. You guys, Tim was living with a pregnant women who was going to horrible depression meds withdrawl . I guarantee he's one of the strongest men you know, it wasn't easy. I can't even explain to you how mentally agonizing this time of my life was, depression sucks. I remember when I was about 2.5 months pregnant I had a huge fit about how my pants won't ever fit me ever again and how I was going to be fat for the rest of my life. I was crying so hard. (I'm so sorry you went through all of this Tim, you are my bestest friend). Looking back now I laugh so hard at how over dramatic I was being.
After the miscarriage Tim and I were both depressed. I was talking to God a lot at this point, and although I did feel a state of comfort, I still was depressed. I remember one night, when I told Tim that if we stayed in Tucson I wanted to kill myself. Living in Tucson and thinking about Tucson angered me more than anything. We of course had no choice to move at this point, but I wanted there to be a choice. Tim was rightfully angry at me for saying that, and reminded me that there are about a billion people worse off than me. Depression makes no sense. It makes you irrational about the stupidest things and makes you angry at nothing. After talking I was still absolutely angry inside but Tim had some very valid points, so I tried to calm down about the whole Tucson thing. I was trying to keep my life in perspective. After a couple more weeks I went back to the doctor to get Paxil again because I felt like a prisoner in my own brain. I got the medicine from him, but didn't immediately start taking it. I think I just wanted to know that safety blanket was there.
One night Tim and I went to Barnes and Nobles and I found a book called "Jesus Calling: 365 devotions for kids", I read one page and I knew I needed it. Day to day it's written like God is talking to you. I fell in love with the kids version because it was so real. It didn't try and use all of those big fancy ol'timey words. After a couple of weeks I honestly started feeling so much better. I felt like the reigns that depression had on my brain were slowly getting looser. Tim and I were going through a lot of financial and car issues at this time too, and everyday I would read this book and realize I am not in control. God is absolutely in control. I started focusing on the fact that life may be hard, but I don't need to worry because God is helping me through every step. 
My depression was gone. (I still have anger, but not to the caliber as before.) I wish I could explain the sense of peace that falls over you when you let God take complete control. I had some serious depression, I told my husband I was going to kill myself because of the city we lived in, and months later I was singing praises to God no matter what was thrown at me. I don't want to say "it's as easy as that"...but it kind of is. It takes a lot of will to let go of control, it takes a lot of will to want to get rid of your depression. Depression is addicting, in some sick way it does give you a weird high, so you have to really want to get rid of it.
Friends, if you are struggling with depression, Jesus is out there, waiting to free you. I am happier today than I have ever been in my whole life. Jesus was waiting there for me with open arms; I can imagine the smile on His face when I finally realized what life was really about. Everyone's story is different, but it is that easy to free yourself, He can do anything. I could never thank God enough for giving me Tim to go through this with. He stood by me this whole time and never once gave up on me, his love was unconditional for me. I know for a fact God was definitly comforting him and giving him strength to deal with me.


  1. Please go back on the medication. On Big Brother, you are showing all the signs of irrational anger and jealousy. It is not just game play. You have accused a man of being creepy when he has done nothing to you. You have made up lies about the other girls because the guys show more attention to them. But most of all it is the look in your eye when your angry. I've been there, get medicated. You need it.

  2. On BB, you are absolutely giddy when attractive men show you attention and despite your marital status you flirt with and fondle these guys constantly. You seem to like the attention and the cameras. You delight in causing chaos but it's for no reason, it's not strategic. When you go back to real life and read viewers' opinions, it will be very difficult for you. I'm glad CBS provides free therapy for HG and I hope you take advantage of it. Best of luck changing your life and finding happiness.

  3. I one thousand percent agree with nurse Jen. When though we are looking into your life at a birds eye view, your actions are not strategic. Your moves are based on emotions. its like your trying to get the approval of the guys instead of really trying to get 1/2 million for you and your family. What a waste of a player

  4. Your anger issues and lack of self esteem are overwhelmingly apparent in the way you portray yourself on BB. The senseless, cruel comments you make are not appropriate for any setting; especially on national TV. You talk about God bringing you out of the despair of depression, yet you have absolutely no consideration of others' feelings. In my opinion, you have many more issues other than depression, and you should look for mental health services as soon as possible. That being said, if you want to live like the scriptures advise, ask yourself: WWJD?

  5. I realize this is a game of strategy, but there is no justification for the fondling if Cody and even some of the other guys. You are married and claim to be a Christian. In no setting is that appropriate. It's not strategy, it's pure lusting over another man. If Tim accepts that, that's his business. But you can play a good strategic game without the constant physical contact with another man. No amount of money is worth making a mockery of your marriage and pain you have caused your husband. It appears you're having an emotional affair and that's still an affair. Explaining it away by saying it was nothing but game play may be believed by Tim, and I guess it's his choice, but the ultimate judge knows better. All I know is I would never subject my husband to having to see me behave like you have. It had to rip his heart out seeing you in bed with another man snuggling and the constant fondling. I pray Tom finds the strength to do what is best for his mental health and find a way to regain his dignity. He's being strong on the outside, but it's clear you've made a fool of him. I really feel for sorry for him because his wife cheated on him in front of the world, many people have been so cruel to him, when he did nothing wrong.

  6. http://i62.tinypic.com/34gpy61.png